Baseline Knowledge Centre

The wise have spoken

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas.

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
– Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Predictions from some experts?

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” –Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” –David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” –H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” –Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” –Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” –Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Louis Pastueur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.” –Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

You are old when…

Here are just some of the greatest lies ever told

• The cheque’s in the post.

• I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.

• I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.

• I promise I’ll pay you back next Friday.

• I’ve never been this drunk before.

• I’ll never get this drunk again.

• I’ve checked this Email out, and it’s really not a hoax.

• Now we’re even.

• I’m fine.

• We found and fixed the last bug!

• The software will ship on schedule.

• It was as simple as that.

• It’s all your fault!

• I love you

Creative Puns for “Educated Minds”

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

17. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

Golf Humour

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

You can talk to a fade but a hook won’t listen. ~ Lee Trevino

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best ~ Jack Nicklaus

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope

Humour - some off the wall thoughts

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently from ours, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists - They don’t expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend…but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic said, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 

25 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 - I intend to live forever… so far, so good.

Have you ever wondered ………………..

Have you ever wondered ………………..

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer ?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

And did you ever stop and wonder……

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.”

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(This one kills me!!!!) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window and loves it?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Humour - Life, Death, Marriage etc.

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ ” — Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ ” — Eleanor Roosevelt

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.” — Mark Twain

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.” — George Burns

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” — Mark Twain

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” — Jimmy Durante

“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.” — Alex Levine

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” — Spike Milligan

“I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.” — Mark Twain

“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.” — Joe Namath

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” — Bob Hope

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” — W.C. Fields

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” — Will Rogers

“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.” — Winston Churchill

“Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.” — Phyllis Diller

”By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal

Joke for today

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a man along the road side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked the man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
They all entered the car, and once underway, the poor fellow turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. “Thank you for
taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “glad to do it, you’ll really love my place the grass is almost a foot high.”